Satire written by Kellyanne Conway’s dog.
Writing satire these days is tough. Reality often gets weirder than a simple dog’s brain can conjure up. I’m reminded of Tom Lehrer quitting the satire biz when Henry Kissinger, the greatest living war criminal, got the Nobel Peace Prize. Just imagine listening to my mistress coming home from the White House and talking about what went on that day. Perhaps the concept that I am the “dumb animal” might be reconsidered? And then my editor sent me this to see if I could use it for a column.
BILMINGTON, N.C. (WBCT)—The New Hangover County Board of Commissioners will consider a resolution in support of its citizens’ Second Amendment rights when it convenes next week.
Where do I start? Was the 2nd Amendment so ignored and forgotten, like the bit about billeting of soldiers in people’s homes, that we needed to create a little interest by reminding folks that it exists. Was there a horrible chance that it might cease to be valid if local governments across the land don’t periodically reaffirm it? So with a writing deadline coming up, what’s a dog to do?
Do I create a fake news item announcing that Commissioner Woody Whipe and Commissioner Foolia Olson-Boseman will present a motion that the Law of Gravity will remain in force during the current health crisis? Or maybe a new County regulation that states how water can only be boiled at 212F?
The only advantage of being a dog in this line of work is that I can’t be sued for libel. That lets me suggest that there is a method in this madness. Very soon, the county plans to move vast amounts of money around as part of the process of legally stealing the people’s hospital. A pile of 1.9 billion dollars will suddenly exist. I think back to Jimmy Hoffa testifying before Congress about his looting the Teamsters Union. “But the pension fund was just sitting there,” was his most honest response of the day. We will have a much bigger fund just sitting there. Just sitting there.
And it will need to be “managed.” If it’s like some people’s 401 Ks, it will be managed to the point where it disappears into management fees. There will be swarms of lawyers, accountants, public relations agencies and other bottom feeders, (a derogatory Naval term), hovering around like flies around a pile of shit. We assume they will set up this process like the Community College where a Board, appoints themselves, and people like themselves, to be in charge. This will be a very political Board because it is a purely political process. The number of layers of insulation from the will and voice of the people will be impenetrable. Once in motion, the voter will have no more control over this than they have over the tides.
Let’s all remember how they voted for a very big education bond issue for the Community College to further technical training facilities and programs. What we got was a giant auditorium so that Nashville cowboy hat acts could do one night stands and leave with a bag of money. When challenged on the subject, the answer seemed to allude to how this was all about training local theater technicians. I got news for you. Thalian Hall has been quite up to the job for the last 150 years. High-tech industry will not be attracted to the area because of our ample supply of stagehands.
So if the County can be that deceptive on a $60 million bond issue, imagine what will happen with the pile of $1.9 billion, which, to paraphrase Jimmy Hoffa, will be just sitting there.
Is that what reaffirming the Second Amendment all about, because it’s definitely not a casual move. It was well thought out with a purpose. It suggests that a tsunami of gaslighting, distracting, and misdirecting your gaze is in our futures. And it will be better executed than what we saw in the run-up to the agreement to sell the hospital. ‘Cause these folks are smelling the stable. (A derogatory cavalry term.)
Let’s hope that responsible people, here and in Raleigh will be able to stall the deed until the will of the people seats new Commissioners in January. And the bottom feeders will have to go looking for a different, easy meal.