by: Anghus Houvouras

The Box
Starring Cameron Diaz and James Marsden
3 stars (out of 5)

What’s in the box? It’s a great question, one I can’t ask without hearing Brad Pitt screaming it from the top of his lungs just before realizing it’s the disembodied head of Gwenyth Paltrow. This is a different kind of box but equally shrouded in mystery. Much like the famous query from Seven, it represents a deadly choice.

The Box is a film that will dazzle some and confuse others to the point of painful boredom. This is nothing new for director Richard Kelly, who has puzzled audiences since his first film, Donnie Darko, hit the festival back in 2000. There are many forgivable cinematic sins from first-time directors. Donnie Darko is a fascinating movie but suffers from a few rough corners. On the other hand, his sophomore effort, Southland Tales, was a fascinating failure. Even though not perfect, it was forgivable.

Kelly puts a lot of effort into what goes onscreen and presents a lot of interesting ideas. What tends to be his dividing line between good and bad lies in the number of unresolved threads left in his movies: cinematic rhetorical questions that are open to interpretation. There are those who enjoy having their mind’s eye widened, and there are others who may feel like they’ve had their mind’s eye poked.

The Box is a movie with a simple premise: A creepy, old guy shows up with a box. If someone pushes the button, said person gets $1 million. Naturally, there is a catch: a stranger will die. Of course, in terms of catches, that’s pretty big. Thus, a moral dilemma presents itself to our two main characters, played by James Marsden and Cameron Diaz.

Casting is such a vital part of any film. I realize such a statement is akin to saying bread is a vital part of any sandwich. Of course it’s vital. Bad casting can tip a marginal movie into grating territory. There is hardly ever a sane reason to cast Cameron Diaz in any movie—much less casting her in a movie where her character has a heavy Southern accent. It’s completely superfluous.

The Box is based in Virginia in the 1970s. While I’m sure there are plenty of people with Southern accents in Virginia, it would hardly be jarring to hear someone there without one—especially one so terrible. Diaz is to the Southern accent what the Greeks were to Troy. Unable to conquer or master the accent, she instead sneaks deep into it and slaughters everything in sight. The result is the third worst accent ever put to film, one butchered so brutally that it could constitute a hate crime. Picture Elmer Fudd being sodimized by the guys from Deliverance, with the transcription of the event being read by Marlee Matlin. It is bad enough to land in the Top Five Worst Film Accents of All Time. In no particular order they are:

1. Kevin Costner—Robin Hood: Prince of Theives.
Yes, it’s an easy target—but that’s because it sticks out like a fireball in a coal mine. His accent was lazy and off-putting, something made even worse by the actual Englishman playing the supporting roles. To be fair, this accent wouldn’t have been convincing in a 3rd-grade dinner theater production of Jane Eyre.

2. Sean Connery—any film in which he’s not playing a Scot.
Sean Connery is a fantastic performer. But he’s a bit limited in range. Most of it doesn’t matter. However, when he attempts to stretch and play a Spanish ship captain or a Russian sub commander with a familiar brogue, not only does it strain credibility but the eardrums of its victims.

3. Jodie Foster—Nell.
This may be a very well-done accent. I don’t know what the indigenous mountain people sound like. I know that listening to Jodie Foster emote with a mouth full of marbles is about as vocally stimulating as two cats making love through a megaphone.

4. Mickey Rooney—Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Ahhh... the days when minority roles were played by white actors under a thick layer of brown make-up doing the most bigoted impression ever. What an awful time in our collective history captured on film to be remembered forever.

It’s a little strange to watch Rooney play a buck-toothed Asian just a few years after we herded up the Japanese in internment camps. Even if we overlook the painful stereotyping, it’s just an awful impression.

Once viewers get past what a terrible actor Cameron Diaz inflects, there is a creepy mind-boink of a thriller. This flick is brimming with weird, and it works well. There’s an otherwordly vibe to the story, a kind of ethereal resonance. A great majority of the creepy is brought to the screen by Frank Langella. who plays the mysterious “benefactor,” complete with a giant lightning-bolt scar on his face. Every scene he’s in is deliciously malevolent. His intentions are nebulous, as if he’s nothing more than a pawn in a scheme far greater than anyone can imagine.

I liked The Box enough to recommend seeing it. But there’s a lot there that will leave most people going, “Huh? What now?” Don’t worry, this isn’t the kind of movie that doesn’t come with answers wrapped tightly in, well, a box; instead, just interpret it, as there is no right answer. And while the movie might reveal just what is in the box, it tells little else.