by: Mark Basquill

Evidence will show that human contribution to natural cycles of climate change will go down with history’s great hoaxes; germ theory, evolution, the Holocaust and the moon landing. I’m no left-wing pseudo-scientist whose stolen e-mails reveal a radical agenda to refute “right” science. I worship the certainty of “right” science and shave every morning with Occam’s Razor.

I abhor conspiracy theories as unscientific. JFK was killed by one bullet. There were no conspiracies then; there are none now. Global warming is the work of just one man. And Claus is the cause.

It’s not lefty radicals. Any one who has attended class at one of Sarah’s left-leaning elitist universities can tell us that herding cats is easier than getting left-wing professors to agree on anything. These professorial cats have compromised “fight or flight” reflexes. They hide behind walls of studies that simple minds cut through with butter knives. These impoverished hybrid-driving weenies might gain 100s of dollars of grant money to continue their “climate research,” but they won’t fight for it. The left wouldn’t even fight for a public option that 70 percent of us support.

To hypothesize a corporate conspiracy is unconscionable. What could corporations possibly gain? I’m a more likely conspirator. I like money. My problem is that I don’t love it. Feeling unloved, money doesn’t stay with me long. But money stays with Exxon, BP and the defense industries. They and their kin have more money than God. By opposing Copenhagen’s climate measures, these giants would gain no more than the health-insurance companies stood to gain from the failure of health-care reform, or big tobacco gained by preventing its product from being linked to cancer for decades. If global warming were real, these giants would profit by re-tooling their human and material capital toward new technologies. Wouldn’t they?

Only the weak-minded revert to conspiracy theories. Copenhagen affirms a revealed truth; the climate has been changing since time began. The catastrophe of Copenhagen is its misrepresenting science. Science is not a matter of global consensus. Does it matter whether China, Brazil and India agree what goes up must come down? No! Everything that goes up comes down with the certainty of “right” science.

Everything except Santa Claus. Wicked Santa defies gravity every Christmas Eve. Scientists agree the warming trend began 1000 years ago when Santa started delivering toys. It’s no coincidence that as our population increases, Santa seems like a rapid cycling bipolar lunatic, and the planet is roasting like a chestnut. It’s not the carbon footprint of the eight tiny reindeer, either. E-mails intercepted from “right” scientists prove Santa’s dilithium crystals emit tachyon pulses that heat the planet’s core and even seek to regulate derivatives.

Does Santa hate us? Raising our hopes while destroying our planet? Certainly not! What better gift could we receive from Santa than to see him tip his red-carbon cap, and hear him sing scientific certainty, “Ho-Ho-Ho! It’s not your fault! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”