by: Anghus

Ninja Assassin
Starring Sung Kang, Randall Duk Kim and Jonathan Chan-Pensley
3 stars (out of 5)

Ah, the weather outside is frightful. The fire is so delightful. Sleigh bells ringing, Santa Claus warming up his magic sack to spread love all over this God-fearing globe. What better way to celebrate holiday cheer than by going to the local Cineplex and watching a movie about a guy brutally slaughtering and dismembering hundreds of opponents, splattering the walls with gallons of blood! ‘Tis the season to be gory.

There are a few things that immediately transform me into a 12-year-old boy: video games, zombies, Duran Duran (their music, that is) and ninjas. (Here’s a little secret: Any movie with zombies, Duran Duran or ninjas gets an automatic two and a half stars.) Like that metaphor about sex and bad pizza, ninja movies are the same way for me. If a movie has a guy chucking throwing stars at other guys, it’s automatically watchable. Ninja Assassin takes all the tenants of a ninja movie and waxes it with a case of computer-generated lemon pledge. This is the shiniest ninja film ever, produced by the Wachowski Brothers (The Matrix trilogy) and directed by James McTeague (V for Vendetta).

The story takes us to a secret school where young men and women are turned into vicious killing machines, known as “ninja.” It’s a difficult life. Instead of going to dances and studying trigonometry, the students get trained until exhaustion and mercilessly beaten when they make a mistake. It’s like finishing school, except instead of learning which fork to use, they learn how to take off a man’s face with a knife. The big man on temple is Raizo. The training takes its toll on him as a boy. The only thought that keeps him sane is a girl, Kiriko. They become friends, and eventually the relationship evolves into something more. Unfortunately, Kiriko decides there must be more to life than learning how to castrate a guy with a paper clip.

Like most boarding schools, trying to leave is frowned upon. But in ninja school, they don’t just suspend students, they have them executed. This doesn’t sit well with Raizo, who begins to question his purpose on this big blue marble; so, he decides there may be more to life than being invisible, even if armed with the ability to kill 50 men with a thumbtack.

After being charged with his first assassination, Raizo tells his father he can no longer be part of Kill-A-Guy University and takes off on his own. Now Raizo is hunted by his former brethren and enlists the aid of an international law enforcement agent investigating the ninja clans. And with this, let me take pause...

There are times when movies use made-up law enforcement agencies in lieu of their real-life counterparts. For those who are unaware, the international police agency is known as “Interpol.” We hear about them a lot in international spy movies. The creative minds behind the film chose not to use Interpol. I’m not sure whether it’s out of respect or legality. Either way, they came up with their own version: Europol. I can think of a dozen things for which “Europol” would be appropriately named: a company that digs pools in Europe, for instance. Maybe a European marketing firm—even a high-end strip club. But for a fake law agency, it strains credibility.

Every moment in the movie devoid of interest involves Europol and their generic bureaucracy determined to fall into every spy-thriller cliché. Combine the cookie-cutter stereotypes with mediocre stock characters and poor writing, and the plot becomes mind-boggling. I’m not sure exactly why the movie needed all these non-ninja moments; they really dragged it down. The non-non-ninja moments were appropriately awesome. Raizo kicks all kinds of ass and dismembers body parts faster than a slaughterhouse with a meth addiction.

Raizo is played by South-Korean pop-sensation Rain. His acting skills are limited; however, it works since he’s mastered the art of playing an emotionally retarded Asian. What he lacks in acting prowess, he makes up for in ass-kicking. The action scenes are quite excellent, thanks to an inspired second unit. One thing the Watchowskys know is pretty visuals and kinetic action. And for a ninja movie, that’s about all I require. Action, adventure, and a boatload of throwing stars. Arguably, the best film about ninjas I’ve seen all year.