TO: ALL CABINET SECRETARIES
RE: 1) MEETING RECAP
As you recall, it was decided that the President will pardon all of us the first week of January and then claim that unless he resigns, deep state swamp traitors will capture and eat his children. Resigning is what any good dad would do. Then, President Pence will announce that God has spoken to him and wants Pence to pardon “His humble and obedient servant,” Donald Trump.
2) GETTING OUT OF THE COUNTRY
If you are Cabinet-level and have committed federal crimes: Not to worry. President Pence will have your back.
Cabinet members with State legal exposure will be issued new identities by NSA. You will all be issued convincing Canadian passports which are one use only. We suggest you watch some old SCTV episodes on YouTube to get the accent right.
3) WHERE TO GO
If you have committed the standard minor crimes like kick-backs on gov’t contracts, mining rights and such, you are probably safe at Wilber Ross’ old Russian money laundering stomping grounds in Cypress. His banking partner, Comrade Avetizyan has a luxury hotel off the beaten track. (Who doesn’t remember the blow-out party he threw at Trump Tower?) Food is good. Can’t beat the climate. The easiest first move to take the ‘black plane’ with Mr. Trump to his golf course in Ireland. That gets you in the EU.
If you actually did major crimes, had people killed or just went to the Treasury and filled bags with cash on election night, we recommend the following. But you’ve got to like country living. Hitler’s old ranch at San Carlos de Bariloche in Argentina has been purchased. The first step is that one of Betsy de Vos’ smaller yachts will be available to us. DC departure date/place TBA. It will be making a rendezvous with a Russian submarine in international waters off the North Carolina coast. More details in paragraph 7 below.
4) MOVING YOUR LOOT
Obviously Bitcoin was invented for this kind of thing. But for you old fashioned types. Here’s where we recommend you follow the Nazi/1945 template attached below. The GSO will make wooden cases for anyone who wants to drop by Fort Knox and pick up a few things. Then on to Betsy’s boat. Remember to tip the submarine captain at least 10%. Did I hear someone say “Black Sea Caviar”? (Don’t worry. You don’t get seasick on submarines.)
5) PETS, MINORS AND HITMEN
Betsy de Vos is re-flagging 5 of her 10 yachts. One of the smaller ones, (200-foot long) will be leaving Miami 5 days before the president resigns. Loading will be the previous day. No big exotics, please. (So Mike Pompeo. The pet elephant was funny the first time, but time to say goodbye.) If your kid’s goldfish gets on the boat, don’t expect to get the same one back. Include 8 days of food. The yacht will travel to an anchorage near Isle a Vache on the south coast of Haiti for rendezvous with the aforementioned submarine for the transfer of people, loot and pets. Then on to Argentina.
NOTE: You may want some souvenirs of your time in selfless public service, so on our last night here, drop by the National Gallery. There’s a great French Impressionist exhibit going on now. Stephen Miller will be there with the keys. Pick out something nice. The submarine captain says no dimensions bigger than 4 feet.