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TINFOIL DREAMS: Cranky Foreigner isn’t surprised by Trump’s attempts to regulate the moon

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So it seems social distancing on the moon is of greater concern to the current U.S. administration than social distancing in a church in Atlanta. Did you read the report from The Guardian on April 4?

“The Trump administration is drafting a legal blueprint for mining on the moon under a new U.S.-sponsored international agreement called the Artemis Accords, according to people familiar with the proposed pact . . . The idea is if you are going to be coming near someone’s operations, and they’ve declared safety zones around it, then you need to reach out to them in advance, consult and figure out how you can do that safely for everyone.”

I guess it’s always easier to solve the hypothetical problem in the distant future than one staring you in the face right now. Who doesn’t remember Winston Churchill’s radio address that inspired his nation’s resolve during the Battle of Britain?

“Don’t worry about the puny bombs falling on London tonight. The silly Luftwaffe will just go away. I call upon all of you to face the challenge of creating a system of limited-access highways that span the nation and will cut the driving time from London to Manchester by an hour and a half.”

Cue standing ovation from the House of Commons.



No doubt, the Artemus Accords will require the boundless skills of Jared Kushner to shepherd it to a just and speedy conclusion. Kushner’s name is synonymous with expertise in space mining. Put him on it while he is still basking in the glow of success from his Mideast peace pact, where years of relentless effort produced an Israeli refinance for his troubled New York real-estate operations. Then his pandemic-coordinating committee made General Eisenhower’s D-Day planning look like the work of an over-sugared 6-year-old after trick-or-treating.

Years back when I drove trucks for sports broadcasting, I would find myself alone at night on a highway in the West. To stay awake somewhere past Exit 53 in Nebraska, I would switch to AM radio and find Art Bell. He had a call-in show, and each night he would start with something like, “Tonight, we are only taking calls from people who have been abducted by aliens and taken to bases on the far side of the moon. No third-person stories. It had to be you.”

Or: “Tonight, we are taking calls from time travelers. I’ll take your call if you are just visiting from another time dimension.”

His switchboard never failed to light up. Some of these calls are available on YouTube if you find yourself sleepless at 3 a.m.

I bring this up because the Artemis Accord plan makes me believe the president is recruiting his top government officials from a wider range of media sources. I previously assumed if you played well on Fox News, you were on a shortlist to run some department, like agriculture or justice. The efforts to set regulations for mining on the moon suggests both the president and I were both once Art Bell listeners. I was driving, he was taking names.

I remember a caller with firsthand experience trading intergalactic slaves. The president must have, too; now, I’m seeing a new look at the Department of Labor. Some of Art’s recurring subjects were people who witnessed UFO crashes. Shouldn’t the FAA have input from these kinds of experts? I hate to say it, but watch your back, Dr. Fauci—you are way behind the guy who routinely did surgery in a time-warp field that slows the body processes so the heart beats once a day.

Art Bell’s people were always way ahead of primitive concepts, like injecting bleach and shoving bright lights into the swollen, infected sponge that is the COVID-19-infected human lung. His listeners would have laughed at ideas that stupid.

Let’s all hope the president has learned from this and dusted off the list of the greatest 2 a.m. mobile-home-in-the-middle-of-the-desert callers. Mitch McConnell is still appointing judges like mad, so there’s still time. The Department of Defense still thinks the Law of Gravity is a thing, and that’s costing us a lot of money. And Ivanka has a keen eye for fashion. I’m sure that tinfoil haberdashery will be all the rage in the Beltway of our happy futures.

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