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Op-Ed

ORANGE IS THE NEW TAN: Cranky Foreign reimagines Trump’s origin story

Remember when news headline scandals were simpler? Like in 2014 when Obama approached the White House lectern wearing … a tan suit?

The Washington Post reported: “Ronald Reagan wore tan suits during his presidency. So did Dwight D. Eisenhower, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush. But on Aug. 28, 2014, when President Barack Obama showed up for a White House news conference dressed in beige, the light-colored suit became a matter of national import. Rep. Peter T. King (R-N.Y.) fumed that the suit pointed to a ‘lack of seriousness’ on the president’s part, cable news shows held roundtable discussions, fashion critics and image consultants weighed in, and TV news reporters conducted man-on-the-street interviews to find out what the people of Northeast Ohio thought of the controversial look.”

Ahh, the bad old days.

I believe Tan Suit Gate, as it came to be known in the follow-up Senate hearings, was what pushed Donald Trump to rescue America from that wretched man who disgraced the highest office in the land. The resulting tan-suit stock-market crash probably hit him hard, but he accepted his losses with grace and a resigned shrug. It was when the European papers reported America was no longer the leader of the free world that the real depth of the crisis became apparent.

Trump was still upset about the US Army refusing to accept him because of his bone spurs. A letter from his doctor indicating the spurs were a minor matter, and would not impede him in his desire to kill total strangers with darker skin, seemed to go unheeded. So Donald dressed in the plain brown robes of a mendicant friar so he could walk among his fellow countrymen and hear their honest, heartfelt voices in these difficult times. To distract the press, he planted some rumors about how his very public sexual affairs were threatening the sacred marriage he held so dear.

 

 

He took an oath of silence, knowing it would help him understand his countrymen’s concerns, but this oath proved troublesome. Honest working folk would talk about how Obama might not be eligible to be president because he didn’t look like he was born in Hawaii. Had anyone actually seen him in a grass skirt? But Donald remembered his oath and remained silent. Didn’t they know the courts had decided this issue because of Barry Goldwater?

Barry was born in the Arizona territory before it was a state in the Union. Still, the court decided, wisely, that since he did not need to be “naturalized” when Arizona became a state and he became a citizen, he was a “natural” citizen all along—and that covered anyone who had at least one parent who was a U.S. citizen. Since Obama’s mother was born in Kansas, it didn’t matter what his birth certificate noted. Donald knew this, and feared some unscrupulous demagogue in the future might twist these innocent appearances into a vile piece of character slander.

When Donald returned to his humble, gold-plated high rise in New York, he pondered the fate of the country he loved so much. Wherever he went, hard-working common folk anguished over the tan suit debacle and the end of American exceptionalism. They were hoping for better days when navy blue suits might become an amendment to the Constitution. How else would will be able to protect the lives of generations to come?

They say he was on his solid gold toilet seat, staring with horror at a smartphone, realizing its incredible potential for evil, when he made the fateful decision. Decisions were difficult for him because his daily Propecia dose—taken to prevent hair loss—made him confused and a bit paranoid. Still, decide, he did. It was not too late to put his personal delights aside and pull Excalibur from the sacred stone. He heard it was in Central Park near the monkey petting zoo.

And so it was to be. It seems only fitting to realize, in five short years, this country, traumatized by the sight of the tan suit, emerged from their fears and nightmares to walk the sunlit meadows to the shining city upon the hill.

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