Satire from Kellyanne Conway’s dog
MEMO: RNC National Committee/Trump Re-election Committee
TO: All State Committees
RE: Relocation of the Nomination Convention
A week after Mayor Lenny Curry said he didn’t think it was “prudent” to require the wearing of face masks in Jacksonville, Florida, the city did an about-face Monday and issued a face-covering mandate. President Trump has decided an adoring, screaming crowd of devotees wearing face masks offers mixed messages for the broadcast and digital audiences. There is a real possibility that, by convention time, some form of social distancing rule may be in full force, too. The search committee considered Greenland as an alternate location, but the recent leaked White House memo indicating the president had only wanted to buy the island so he could give it to President Putin as a birthday gift, turned that into an untenable option. The final decision is now that Tijuana, Mexico, will be the hosting city.
Needless to say, this will present some new challenges:
OPTICS: The president tells us, if he can make Republicans love Putin, he can make them love Mexicans. How hard can it be to persuade evangelicals that rapists and thugs offer a great opportunity for the redemption of sinners into the Kingdom of God? All friendly news and talk outlets will be given positive talking points (i.e. family values, traditional religions, loose gun laws). All attendees will get a “Mexico! Come for the Fascism, Stay for the Fun!” themed travel pack. “Make America Great Again, Again” sombreros will replace baseball caps. Rush Limbaugh is prepared to state ‘The Three Amigos” is his favorite movie. Ivanka and Jared will be getting a midmorning slot on Fox to show folks how to duplicate the Taco Bell menu at home.
BORDER WALL EVENTS: All old wall messaging is out. Now, it’s not a barrier but an event space—a place for good times with good friends! Free pop-up drive-ins will be set up on either side of the main crossing points. They will show Mexican movies and some of those ’50s films with Carmen Miranda dancing around with bananas on her head.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Budweiser will do a series of commercials showing Davy Crockett and General Santa Anna, deciding a cold Bud Lite and some cute señoritas are better than a fight to the finish at the Alamo.
FOR THE HIGHBROWS: The National Gallery has some old Rembrandt’s and Impressionists stuff in the basement. The wall will become a pop-up gallery. The Robert Frost poem “Mending Wall” will be mandatory for memorization for all English classes in school. The line “Good fences make good neighbors” will be stenciled in water paint (for easy removal after the event) on the wall in the Tijuana area.
DELEGATE SAFETY: As some of you know, Attorney General Barr ran a mob law office before he set up his current mob office in the Department of Justice. He still has contacts with some of his border cartel clients from the early days. They have been contracted to provide event security. For an “at home feeling,” the Ohio State Marching Buckeyes will lend their uniforms. There was a problematic issue of the cartel having to stop their kidnap/ransom funding activities throughout the event. We have reached a compromise: They can do what they want with any protesters who might be foolish enough to appear.
THE VENUE: The El Centro Pacifico has a floor area of 3,715 square meters—whatever the hell that comes out to in real area, but they tell us it’s big. They will change the venue name to “El Centro Yanqui Come Back” for our event. All the major American hotel franchises are a shuttle bus ride away.
MEDICAL: Mexico will offer a happy glimpse of America after we get rid of the last light of Obamacare. I believe the phrases “Who’s paying?” and “Hundred Dollar Bills Only” work in both languages. Delegates should be reminded that Montezuma’s Revenge is better than COVID.
MUSIC: Since every musical group has issued an injunction against the Trump administration, we are going with Stephen Foster’s minstrel music. It will remind our delegates of when America was great, as they leave humming “Camptown Races” all the do-da day.
The escalator ride from the Trump Tower announcement four years ago will be duplicated. This time the president and Melania will be sitting on an escalator mounted Harley Davidson motorcycle with Confederate flags.
VP Pence’s wife won’t let Mike go because she thinks Mexico is icky. We have arranged for the “Silence of the Lambs” animatronic from Universal Studios. Put a face mask on it and hopefully no one will know—well, except for he’ll have all of Hannibal Lecter’s charm.
To stress the fact the president is a strong and vigorous man, he will appear on stage with Melania, his ex-wives and any available porn stars and Playmates he may or may not have paid off.
ADDENDUM: Some older delegates, in carefree days, may have once read Kerouac’s “On the Road.” As a result, they might ask directions to the club where a woman has sex with a donkey twice a night. Our official response is the club has closed and the donkey is dead. Unofficially, I think Senator Grassley still remembers how to get there.