FROM: Sinclair Corporate
TO: All Radio Outlets
SUBJECT: Giving air time to local groups who support the president. See attached list of approved organizations. Every prime time slot must comply. No exceptions.
Hey, crazy, lazy Wilmington! Nate Dog and the Slimster here for your morning commute!
SLIMSTER: Remember, one hand for your coffee, one hand for your cigarette and one hand for the wheel. Or you can use your knee. (recorded laughter)
NATE DOG: Just don’t drink that yellow stuff. Sure, it might be last night’s beer, but it might be your pee cup! Can’t remember, can you? (laughter)
SLIMSTER: Speaking of pee cups, I think the whole front office of the Carolina Panthers should…
ND: Hey, slimmer down, Buckaroo. We’ll get to sports in a minute but we got a guest this morning.
SLIM: You mean the guy with the Mormon haircut on Microphone 3?
ND: Mr. Slim gets the gold. (laughter) So, young man, I didn’t get your name, and you don’t look like you’re from around here.
My name is Hans, and I am from Argentina.
ND: Hey, always great to get a visit from one of our fantastic Western states.
SLIM: Go Chargers!!
ND: Well, welcome, Hans. I see your whip so I guess you’re here to talk about horses?
HANS: Yes, I have a whip. Do you not have a whip?
ND: Ahh, no I don’t. So the memo says you are announcing the opening of a new youth group. Always great to get young people together . . .
SLIM: … to do beer bongs around the fire pit. I’m with you, man. (laughter)
HANS: Yes, we have fires. Many things burn you know. Two pieces of wood nailed together, for example, can burn on someone’s front lawn for some time.
SLIM: Just add some ZZ Top and partay! And you got it all going with that boss looking ZZ shoulder badge, right. Or are those the letter S?
HANS: Who is this Mr. Top?
ND: And the uniform. Did the UPS guy put up much of a fight? With medals. You get those for prompt delivery?(laughter)
ND: OK. Hostile witness off the port bow. So it says here you are in Wilmington to start the Kayleigh McEnany Youth Group.
HANS: Yes. We hoped to get the name Wayne LaPierre, but it was taken. Still, Kayleigh seems to be an appropriate role model. She appears to have good genetics and no sense of humor. Humor is a sign of moral weakness. What kind of show is this? When do we start the political discussion?
ND: Well, normally we just . . . .
SLIM: We talk about how the Carolina Panthers front office really sucks. (laughter)
HANS: Anything else?
ND: No, just that. So what kind of things does your group do?
HANS: We march … and sing songs … at the same time, sometimes. Our new favorite is ‘We’ll kick ass in Minneapolis’
SLIM: Go Vikings! Screw you, Green Bay!! Now there’s a front office I’d like to steal. Did you see the waiting game they played in the first round draft . . .
HANS: We have strict music suggestions for our members. I have some songs here. Many people don’t know that most of Rhianna’s songs are stolen from Wagner’s Ring Cycle. So we have stolen them back and put on them words that make sense. May I recommend ‘Wir fahren auf Washington. It has a hep cat catchy beat. I dare you not to tap your toe.
ND: Ah, thanks. Later. So how do kids get involved? Where do you meet up?
HANS: There is a park. To commemorate the hard work and sacrifice of white people who restored law and order to Wilmington in 1898. If the weather is good we will have lessons on torch constructions. These stupid tiki torches people have been bringing are a farce. When you smash them through a window, the flame goes out. What is the function? (laughter) Or Hugh McRae Park. A great, great man. (Really big laughter)
ND: Slimster. Ease up on the laughter button. You’ll break the machine. (laughter)
ND: Whatever. (laughter)
HANS: I have brought some literature which you are now officially under orders to post on your website. Would you prefer it in the translation to Southern English or perhaps in the original form? (laughter)
ND: Hey look at the clock. And then it’s time for Wacky Weather and Slimster has some Panthers news. I sure hope he has. So it’s been great . . .
HANS: You talk like I am going somewhere. Randy is being driven back to his house where his furniture has been packed into a truck. I am the new station manager. Do you have a copy of Wayne Newton singing ‘Danke Schoen’? It will be your new theme song.