Satire written by Kellyanne Conway’s dog.
MEMO: President Trump’s Visit to Wilmington, NC
BACKGROUND: You recall that the deal was that if Lara Trump spoke at the Republican National Convention, the president would visit her hometown, Wrightsville Beach, NC. But the beach area was rejected by Rudy Giuliani, who was eating take-out Chinese and he noticed a wonton that looked like Abe Lincoln. He mistook the black mold on the food for Abe’s beard and realized it was a divine sign that the president would be assassinated. As a result, there will be extra security measures on this one. He won’t travel too far from Air Force One.
MESSAGE: The president will declare Wilmington a “World War II City.” So let’s get his briefing points ready to go:
The 1918 flu pandemic did not end WWII.
Frequent reminders that Wilmington was not liberated from the Germans or Japanese or whatever gross terms he might use to describe those groups.
Avoid saying derogatory things about Nazis. Remind him that we are counting on the Nazi vote come November. At this point, “good people on both sides” seems acceptable to the public.
WWII did not start in Wuhan, China, no matter what Steven Miller tells him.
THE FIRST LADY: After some debate, she was persuaded against the “green screen” dress where Twitter folks were having too much fun super-imposing images with their PC home video programs. She will also not wear any of her, “I Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass” themed jackets. Instead, she will sport a Hugo Boss “she-wolf of the SS” outfit that will accentuate her natural smile.
LOCATIONS: The USS North Carolina battleship was intended to be the location for the dedication speech but it seems Kimberly Guilfoyle also ordered Chinese take-out last week and one of the egg rolls fell into the wonton soup and sank, making her realize that the battleship was certainly going to sink during the event. As a result, construction crews from the local film studio are building a plywood replica of the ship on Stage 11 at Screen Gems Studio. (That’s the same space where we did the vice president’s “Fort McHenry Speech” after Mother Pence noticed a Union Jack shape in her lo mein noodles, knowing instantly that the British would return and not be scared away by the “rocket’s red glare” this time.)
GUESTS TO BE HONORED: It seems the only living crew members we could find are Democrats. So we’ll take a page from the RNC book and feature Trump’s entire family and girlfriends. They will be dressed in WWII-era uniforms. The president will tell stirring tales of the great things they would have done, given the chance.
- This will include a sad story of Eric’s heroic death in a jeep rollover while on week-end leave if he had been so lucky as to be born into “the Greatest Generation.”
- We’ll hear that Don Jr. would likely have piloted the PT boat next to Kennedy’s but, unlike the loser Democrat, Lt. Don would have sunk a Japanese ship and got the taxpayers’ boat back in one piece.
- Ivanka would have probably discovered penicillin while landing on the beaches of Normandy as a heroic medic.
- Because the President is often criticized for not having a pet, he will also honor a dog for its service. The Secret Service has completed shock aversion therapy on a German shepherd so it won’t start licking its balls during the event.
- There will be no mention of his father’s draft dodging and war profiteering.
MUSIC: The RNC’s continuous battle with ASCAP and BMI right has not been resolved. But we discovered none of the popular German songs of the era are covered by their license agreements. So the Marine Band will put on quite a show.
LAST REQUEST FROM THE CHIEF OF STAFF:
There has been a flurry of bad omens in the inner circle lately. Mark Meadows kindly requests we stop ordering take-out Chinese until the election is over.