MEMO: Since we don’t expect the president to denounce the White Supremacists, and he still feels good about his ‘Proud Boys, stand back but stand by’ statement in the ‘debate’, Rudy Giuliani has arranged the following workaround. Mark Esper, at Defense, has very reluctantly agreed to the following. Tomorrow we will announce that ‘The Proud Boys’ will officially become a division within the US Army. With that status, the President can’t help but stand with those who honor us with service to this country. Here are some specifics:
MISSION: To mess with anyone carrying a library card or driving a Volvo or anyone who can’t prove that their IQ is pretty close to their waist size.
UNIFORM: Leather and dirty denim, no more than 70% of either, or people will mistake you for one of the Village People.
RANK STRUCTURE: If you are rank enough, you are a member.
We will follow the basic army categories:
Private to Sergeant Major ranks will be designated as Ass Kickers … 4th to 1st Class.
Insignia: Raised middle finger.
Warrant Officers will be HellRaisers 4th to 1st Class.
Insignia: Noose hanging from a tree.
Lieutenants to Generals will be Motherfuckers in ascending order of rank TBD.
Insignia: Can’t go wrong with the basic Hell’s Angels’ swastika. The President will be the Motherfucker-in-Chief.
PAY STRUCTURE: We are treating most of these gentlemen as Reservists. This will allow them to carry on with their careers like bail bonding, protection racketeering and loan sharking, that are so essential to the nation at this time.
HEADQUARTERS LOCATION: As close to Speake Pelosi’s home as possible.
ACCESS TO MILITARY STYLE WEAPONS: We are told they are way ahead of us on this. We’ll just send ammo. They asked about tanks surplus from Iraq. Mr. Esper says they are already promised to local police departments.
MOTTO: We settled on a Latin translation of “Gun Control means Killing who you’re Aiming At”. On reading, it sounds charming.
ACCESS TO THE VA: The VA will divert funding from PSDT funds to re-assigning doctors’ parking spaces for motorcycle parking.
LEGAL ISSUES TBD: The Proud Boys insisted on being a purely White male unit. This is legally at odds with policies put in place from the Truman administration to Obama’s. When we brought up the topic of accepting @%$&*^^s, %$&**)s and *%%@$#s they said f–k you. Bill Barr at Justice said we can do a work-around on the basis of Freedom of Religion. To do this, all members regardless of rank will also be given a Chaplain designation as well. Civilians will then be expected to address them as Father or Rabbi as is the current tradition. We are told that this will not prevent them from rioting on Sundays.