TO: ALL COUNTY REPUBLICAN ELECTION COMMITTEES
RE: NEW RULES ON IN-PERSON VOTING
The only way to protect our highly successful gerrymandered district boundaries from meddling federal courts for one last election cycle is to set up new procedures to replace them. The old talking point revolved around protecting our sacred institution from voter fraud. There’s not much milk left in that cow. In the age of COVID-19, the new message is “voter safety.”
While we still have a majority on the State Elections Board, new rules have been created and will be published as an official document out of Raleigh. We expect considerable pushback and are preparing you with talking points when dealing with media. The new approach is based on our survey that indicated how liberals like to live near water. We feel it opens some options.
NEW VOTING RULES: The biggest change is that, in any precinct near a body of water, voting booths will now be underwater. Our committee’s official position is since COVID is airborne, this is an essential move to guarantee the safety of voters during the so-called “pandemic.” Exemptions to the underwater rule will be approved in many rural “safe” precincts, possibly allowing booths to be simply set in shallow “kiddy pools.”
In counties with a history of high turnout by Democrats, the exact placement of booths will be left up to the creative thinking of local GOP committees. For example, in more left-leaning coastal areas, placing the booths at the bottom of the always popular shark tanks in NC aquariums seems appropriate. Suburban voters in the Piedmont may have their polling places set in hog waste lagoons, assuming they are deep enough. The booths at the bottom of Banks Channel will require some engineering solutions to prevent the strong currents from taking voters and poll workers out to sea. There probably should be some coordination with the Coast Guard.
For those who complain, let’s remind them of where we would be as a nation if Washington’s men got all fussy about crossing the strong undercurrent of the Delaware River. Point out to them that voting underwater is a way of honoring our founding heroes for their courage, in times no less perilous than the one we find ourselves in now.
LEGAL FRAMEWORK: We can hope to keep these new rules for at least two election cycles. Clearly, fraudulent redistricting has survived for nearly a decade in a fairly liberal court environment. Since then, Mitch McConnell has placed hundreds of “friendly” judges in high places, many appointments based on the applicant having a pulse and knowing all the words to the Horst Wessel Song. While we’re on the subject, shall we pause and welcome Judge Buddy Nowland to the 4th Circuit? It’s obvious his performance in the role of Officer Krupke in Bertie County Little Theater’s production of “West Side Story” convinced the Senate Judicial Committee of his solid background in law and order. Even Senator Susan Collins didn’t publicly anguish over that decision.
The real challenge will be how to win in the few close districts that remain. Scuba gear can be borrowed from your local GOP committee office. Economic stimulus money already is being spent on scuba diving programs, to be hosted by golf and country clubs, NRA chapters and what’s left of the KKK. Sorry, guys, but you are going to have to take the hoods off, if you want the air supply to work properly. Safety, safety, safety! Older country club members will be taught to mark oversized underwater ballots with 6-foot pencils. It’s going to be up to you at the county level to adapt your local members to the new reality.
MEDIA TALKING POINTS: This is where you local committee members, who all seem to have the same useless communications degree from Duke, get to really shine. We all learned if you can insert the phrase “children will die” in every paragraph, the lamestream media eventually will sign off on any nonsense you present to them. If all else fails, just say: “I refuse to apologize for loving Jesus and this great state as much as I do.” Add the words “COVID-19” wherever you can. Be sure to hold interviews with unfriendly media outlets underwater. Our legal department tells us no one has ever filed a slander lawsuit if the conversation happens with one of those rubber thingies in their mouth and bubbles everywhere.
Expect the questions about how underwater voting will adversely impact minority communities. When they come, you should instantly fly into righteous indignation when anyone suggests that African Americans and Latinos don’t have equal or better underwater skills than other Americans. Then quickly change the subject by stating the GOP has strongly supported Title Nine. I’m sure you are starting to realize why these media events will go a lot smoother underwater. It won’t be difficult to pretend you didn’t hear the question.
MEDIA SUPPORT: To discourage voting in more liberal coastal areas, Turner Broadcasting has agreed to move “Shark Week” to the middle of October. The state committee has licensed all the SpongeBob SquarePants characters for print and broadcast outlets. There will be images of happy underwater voting everywhere. We are recreating the fun 1960s beach movie look in internet spots on how not to die on your first dive. For you skeptics, let me remind you the 1956 GOP campaign was able to convince the nation that the day after an all-out nuclear war, we were just going to be raking up the few leaves that were knocked down by all those 100-megaton bombs. That was back in the days when the U.S. was a science-based country.