From Mark Meadows to all Trump campaign surrogates.
Subject: To whom does the president personally owe $400 million
Since the NYT release of the Trump Organization taxes, we’ve managed to re-frame most of the issues as proving that it takes a “stable genius” to be a billionaire and pay the same tax as a couple working at McDonald’s. But there’s one trivial detail that seems to keep attracting attention in this whole “nothingburger” issue. It is unfortunate that both Don Jr. and Eric repeatedly told the media that his father bought US golf courses with a $200 million line of credit from Russia. For some reason, people who clearly hate this country have latched onto this and suggest that debt to Russian Gangsters might compromise the president’s obvious, undying loyalty to the Constitution and the sacred oath he took.
Talking Points: To deal with this we are releasing the real list of who lent him the money.
Tom Hanks: Mr. Hanks always wanted great things to happen to this country and recognized that if he supported the beacons of civil society, one of them would eventually take on the heavy mantle of leadership. How right he was. We expect Mr. Hanks to deny this because he has always been very self-effacing and doesn’t like to take credit for good works.
Bruce Springsteen: Early in his success, Mr. Springsteen was looking for ways to give back. Affordable housing was always a concern and Trump Tower was an obvious way to address the homelessness on the West Side issue with dignity. We don’t believe Mr. Springsteen to land a successful cease and desist order before November 3.
The Estate of Woody Guthrie: As we know, Woody spent some hard times hopping rail cars to get around the country. The trustees, realizing that this form of travel would have been easier with better infrastructure. They recognized one of the President’s real passion projects. Woody would have felt a whole lot better about this country if he could have been arrested for hitch-hiking on an Interstate by-pass than if he were arrested for trespassing on railway property. Legally we can make this claim because there is no legal entity in the form of an Estate. Few people realize that, in real life, Woody was evicted by Fred Trump Sr. from one of his apartments and wrote a song about it.
The Trapp Family Inn of Stowe, Vermont: The few remaining members are in induced comas in the wine cellar but not before they recorded an almost convincing speech for their website, praising the President, especially the way he always paid his bills on time. We’re hoping no one will notice Bernard Trapp blinking SOS with his eyes. I’m told it used to be an old anti-fascist trick from the war.
Bailey Brothers Building and Loan: Yes, it was just Jimmy Stewart’s bank from ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ but most of our voters think it’s real and who are we to spoil their day. Somehow they ignore the fact that Jimmy played a happy Socialist against the Mr. Potter character, who Frank Capra based on The President’s father.
The American Society for Bald Eagle Protection, Apple Pie recipes and Golden Retriever Cuddling. Paul Manafort is the founder, but these days he’s going by the name of Paul Worthington and can be reached at Danbury Minimum Security Federal Prison to confirm they lent him $100 million.
Dolly Parton: How hard was it to go to any drag club in San Francisco and find a Dolly Parton imitator that’s better than she is. Which Dolly will they believe? The one on a shopping spree with Ivanka and Kim Kardashian or the one on some mountain in Appalachia whose husband is a paving contractor?