News of the Weird with Chuck Shepherd

May 6 • FEATURE BOTTOM, News, NEWS & VIEWSNo Comments on News of the Weird with Chuck Shepherd

News Of The Weird“Oooooo! Aaaaahhh! Eh?” 

The Canadian Radio-television & Telecommunications Commission in March reprimanded three pornography broadcast stations — not for excessively erotic fare, but for violating Canada’s protectionist, patriotic rules requiring that at least 35 percent of all content be of Canadian origin. According to its notice, the 24-hour AOV Adult Movie Channel, XXX Action Clips and Maleflixxx were falling short of the 8 1/2 hours a day of north-of-the-border sex action (and, in an additional charge, were failing to provide enough closed captioning to accompany the “Yeah’s” and “Oh, baby’s”).

Compelling Explanations

Drunk Logic: Wendy Simpson, 25, explaining her DUI arrest during a March incident in Huddersfield, England, pointed out that she had just minutes earlier walked to a McDonald’s for a late-night meal because she knew she was too inebriated to drive. However, the dining room was closed, and she was refused service at the drive-thru window because she was on foot, and, she said, the only option left for her was to go home, get her car and return to the drive-thru. On the way back, she
was arrested.

Efren Carrillo, a member of the board of supervisors of California’s Sonoma County, was charged with misdemeanor “peeking” last year in Santa Rosa after he, returning home from a club late at night, saw his female neighbor’s light on and decided to drop in on her (though he did not even know her name). He had knocked at her back patio door, carrying beers, but was dressed awkwardly, leading the woman to call 911. “In retrospect,” the county supervisor told police afterward, “I should have had my pants on” (instead of just his socks and underwear). (His trial was underway at
press time.)

Among the arguments offered in March by Darrious Mathis’ lawyers for his jury trial in Cobb County, Georgia, (for assault, kidnapping and carjacking) was the assertion that Mathis needed no force in order to have sex with the female victim on the night in question — because Mathis is such a good-looking man. (However, the jury was not so dazzled and convicted him on all charges.)

Ironies

England’s Stockport magistrates’ court levied the equivalent of a $13,000 fine in March against Lorraine White, 41, who runs a part-time service as a dominatrix (chaining up and whipping “bad” men) in a “sex dungeon.” Her business is apparently perfectly legal; the citation was for violating fire codes because inspectors could not see how a client, being properly disciplined (handcuffed and chained), might escape the dungeon in the event of fire.

Sounds Like a Joke: The Food and Drug Administration has had run-ins with “homeopathic” products that subtly market themselves as health remedies without ever having sought the required FDA approval. However, in March, a different problem arose, requiring the agency to order a recall of 56 different batches of homeopathic remedies made by the Ferndale, Washington, company Terra-Medica — because they may have (accidentally) been genuine medicine. A variety of the firm’s capsules, tablets and suppositories, said the FDA, might have contained actual penicillin, inadvertently produced as a by-product of fermentation.

Tiffany Austin called a KTVU reporter in March after being dismissed as a member of the Planet Fitness Gym in Richmond, California, after only one 15-minute workout — because she was “too fit” and therefore making other members uncomfortable. Planet Fitness apparently takes seriously its business slogan guaranteeing “no gymtimidation,” designed to keep out-of-shape women from feeling bad about themselves. Said another member, to the reporter, “It’s unfair to show off your body.”

Latest Human Rights

Rehabilitated: Cook County, Ill., judge Cynthia Brim is awaiting the Illinois Courts Commission’s decision as she seeks to be reinstated following her suspension in 2012 for mental health issues. Brim has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, has been hospitalized “multiple” times since 1993 (according to a Chicago Sun-Times report), and now claims to be fine, provided she takes her meds on schedule — which her doctor said she will need to do for the rest of her life. Her suspension came after a manic courtroom outburst lauding her heroic “testicles” and which preceded a  scuffle with sheriff’s deputies outside a county judicial building.

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