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THE CRANKY FOREIGNER: Trump targets hunting regulations so Donny Jr. can kill what he wants as easily as possible

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“Among the slew of new rules includes hunting bears, as well as their cubs in their dens, caribou from motorboats and bears with bait at several national preserves. It also permits brown bear hunting from ‘registered bait stations’ in Alaska’s Kenai National Wildlife Refuge for the first time.” [USA Today, May 30, 2020]

Don Jr. wins again. He must be tired of winning. I know the rest of the country is.

Back in my Navy days, my friends in a submarine crew would have described young Donnie as being “an oxygen thief.” They worked an old diesel boat. When the hatch was closed and they submerged, they had the air they had and everyone was breathing it. Some crewmen worked to keep the boat operating; some just hung out and breathed. They were the oxygen thieves.

On this planet, Donald Trump Jr. is an oxygen thief—or maybe a waste of skin. People of a more mechanical mindset might think of him as being useless as air brakes on a turtle. The Brits would just call him a “piece of work.” He is all those things and he is a trophy hunter, which is where Daddy and the U.S. government come in. You see, the president loves his boy and his boy is spoiled rotten. Trophy hunting took Don Jr. to Africa many times where he killed many magnificent creatures who have a far better work ethic. Google image makes it look like he had a rampage on Noah’s Ark.


Donald Trump Jr’s trophy hunting adventures are well documented and funded. Photo by Hunting Legends


These animals in the pictures are not sleeping. They were murdered just before the pictures were taken. The caption under this photo: “How Trump’s wildlife board is rebranding trophy hunting as good for animals.”  This particular animal did not offer any opinion. And the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that silence implies consent. So we assume the animal is cool with Daddy’s progressive new policy shift on “what’s good for animals.”

Despite hunting with that whole plague thing going on and Africa being icky, it was decided Don Jr. should be able to kill large animals in a safer environment. After all, the Republican Party is hoping to see this young man at the top of the ticket within the decade.

So Alaska looked like it had the potential of being a good killing ground for the kid—if not for some pesky Obama-era regulations suggesting that shooting mother bears in their dens, shooting bear cubs in their dens, killing large animals from helicopters and killing swimming mammals from high-speed motorboats wasn’t a sportsman-like activity. Well, what did Mr. Smartypants from Kenya know about that? Had he ever baited a hungry mother bear with donuts and killed it from the comfort of his air-conditioned SUV? Didn’t think so.

So, in the middle of the biggest medical crisis since 1918, the biggest economic crisis since 1928, and the biggest social unrest since 1968, the White House finds time to repeal animal protection rules on federal lands and national parks so Donnie can hunt closer to home. The Republican governor of Alaska was enlisted in this farce and said it aligned the rules more with the traditional native hunting habits. (To be fair, Lewis and Clark do mention the Sioux hunting buffalo from helicopters.)

I have been in a motorboat in a great northern river and watched in awe and wonder as herds of caribou swam across. Killing a few would be about as challenging as picking strawberries at Lewis Farms.

But let’s get honest; am I the only one in America with this fantasy:

One of Don Jr’s secret service guys has located a mother bear’s den. The camera crew is in place. (Rich people insist their crimes against nature are captured in 4K.) Don Jr.’s helicopter lands and he poses and preens before the camera. Then he moves in for the kill. Without warning, Smokey the Bear emerges with an assault rifle and a 40-round clip. It’s the 2nd Amendment right there in Kellyanne Conway’s “Book of Alternate Facts”: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right to arm bears, shall not be infringed.”

Stand your ground, Smokey. Stand your ground.

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