LAST YEAR’S GALA: From left to right: Angie Cariker, Judith Cariker, Jim Skane, JC Skane . Courtesy photo

Raise the Roof from Under the Sea
NC Aquarium at Fort Fisher
June 21, 7 p.m. – 10 p.m.
Tickets: $75 or $500/table of 8
Amanda Miller: (910) 399-7563

Having a roof over our heads is one of the most essential parts of everyday life. We almost take it for granted sometimes. When unpredictable events occur that result in houses being damaged, those left with a costly amount of damage, unable to afford to fix it, can receive aid from Wilmington Area Rebuilding Ministry (WARM). Local nonprofit WARM will host Raise the Roof from Under the Sea on June 21st at the NC Aquarium at Fort Fisher in Kure Beach. The evening will feature music, heavy hors d’oeuvres, and a live and silent auction, with proceeds benefiting home repairs for the elderly, the disabled and low-income homeowners.

Though founded in 1996, WARM operates strictly from volunteers who help rebuild and repair peoples’ homes in Brunswick, New Hanover, and Pender counties in southeastern North Carolina. According to Jeannie Cariker “JC” Skane, executive director of WARM, the company opened in response to Hurricanes Bertha and Fran. Volunteers organized by the local United Methodist churches helped elderly, disabled and low-income families recover from the storms. They noticed much of the damage and deterioration predated the storm and discovered that some homeowners just could not keep up with repairs. So, while responding to natural disaster, they discovered a social disaster.

“The repairs and accessibility upgrades address threats to the safety and health of residents;” Skane says, “New railings and wheelchair ramps help prevent falls. Bringing electrical systems up to code helps prevent fires. Repairing water damaged sheet rock prevents mold that can lead to respiratory problems. The rebuilding work enables residents to remain living independently in their own homes.”

The charity organization currently boasts over 400 volunteers and accepts anyone who is willing to join their organization. Since its inception, it has helped 675 people in need. Just last year WARM helped 81 households and 142 residents.

The funds generated from Raise the Roof will go toward supplies to build homes. Right now, there are 113 households on their waiting list in the tri-county area. Unrestricted funds from the event will enable WARM to prioritize the most urgent needs—usually it is the roof (hence, the gala’s name).

To rebuild or repair one person’s home can cost anywhere from $200 to $5,000, depending on the safety issues for qualified households. “Our costs are kept low because volunteers do most of the work,” Skane continues. “We hope to complete 13 roofs and other repairs with the proceeds from this event.”

Often times, the clients that WARM works with aren’t eligible for financial aid elsewhere. WARM provides these people help, thanks to their fund-raisers and donations from various organizations, like churches, civic groups, private donations and more.

Skane states, “We just opened a satellite office in Pender County, and we received our largest grant in agency history, $150,000, from NC Housing Finance Agency.”

The charity hosts “VolunTourists” every summer, welcoming people from all over the country on church-mission trips. They engage in meaningful service work through WARM, and “then they hit the beach,” Skane jokes.

Still, the organization needs generous people who are willing to donate on a monthly basis. Currently, Skane says they’re in need of “someone who could commit to donating enough to buy two grab bars per month or 12 smoke detectors per month or 20 2 x 4’s per month. We find that people are really passionate about housing issues in this area.”

Raise the Roof will offer lots of items for folks to bid on, including “destination packages, tickets to sporting events (like Duke basketball!), jewelry, Port City Java coffee for a year, lunch with Frances Weller and Jon Evans, and much more!”

The attire for the night will be elegant island wear, and the event will last from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Tickets for this fund-raiser cost $75 per person or $500 per table of eight. The aim of this fund-raiser is to complete 13 home and roof repairs. People interested in going to this event are kindly advised to purchase their tickets early, as the gala sold out last year.

WARM will hold other fund-raisers throughout the year, including a luncheon in October and Resolution Run 5k on New Year’s Day.

Mayfaire on the Town summer concert series takes place every Friday and offers family fun for everyone! Courtesy photo.

In the heat of the summer, with humidity hanging over us like a cloud, it can be hard to find the motivation to do much of anything. Living in the Wilmington area, though, exciting options abound, which make it nearly impossible to stay indoors around our seaside locale. The city comes to life in the summer (which begins this week, June 21st!), thanks to bustling tourists and locals churning out to the numerous concert series, kayaking tours, eco-cruises and more.

Knowing when and where something is happening can be difficult, but encore makes it easy! We have complied a list of just a few great ways to get out and about, to enjoy the salty air and even cool off in the water. Here’s a look at some of the best ways to enjoy summer outdoors around southeastern NC.

CONCERTS
There is no shortage of live, outdoor music across town. With over 10 summer concert series, performances range from tribute bands to the Justin Fox Trio, to 360 Degrees, Overtyme, and 40 East. Here is a run down of what’s being offered in the area:
Downtown Sundown: Every Friday June-August from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. at Riverfront Park, a tribute band will play free of charge. Beer and Wine for sale (www.wilmingtondowntown.com/downtownsundown).

Airlie Gardens: Every other Friday July through August, various bands will perform from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. Tickets are $8 for adults and free for members (www.airliegardens.org/events-news/calendar).

WECT Sounds of Summer: Concerts take place at Wrightsville Beach Park every Thursday through August from 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. free of charge (www.wrightsvillebeach.wect.com/news/entertainment/77903-2013-sounds-summer-lineup-released).

Mayfaire Concerts on the Town: Every Friday through July bands play from 6 p.m. until dark. Concerts are free of charge. Food will be available to buy or listeners are welcome to bring their own (www.mayfairetown.com/blog/summer-concerts).

Cameron Art Museum: The Black Arts Alliance presents the Black Music Summer Series at CAM on Thursdays June 20th and 27th, from 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. The cost is $7 for members, $10 for non-members and $5 for students. Music in the Courtyard will be held Thursday, July 11th, at 7 p.m. The CAM Café will be open during all performances (www.cameronartmuseum.com/index.php?c=calendar&s=calendar).

Bellamy Mansion: Jazz at the Mansion will feature various talented jazz musicians, held July 4th, and August 1st and 29th, from 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. Admission is $12 (www.bellamymansion.org/calendar.htm).

Kure Beach Boogie in the Park: Kure Beach’s Ocean Front Park summer series offers concerts everySunday at 4 p.m. free of charge at 105 Atlantic Avenue (www.pleasureislandnc.org/events-list.php).

Fort Fisher Recreation Area: Bands play the second and fourth Fridays of June, July and August from 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. free of charge (www.pleasureislandnc.org/free-summer-concert-series).

Greenfield Lake Amphitheater: Performance times and ticket costs vary per show. Performance dates vary, too, but will include acts like Bruce Hornsby and the Noisemakers, G. Love and Special Sauce and Trampled By Turtles, among others. Full information on each concert can be found at www.greenfieldlakeamphitheater.com.

WATER TOURS
From the ocean to the Intracoastal Waterway to the Cape Fear River, Wilmington is surrounded by water, meaning there is no shortage of water tours to capture a cool breeze. Cruises often include dinner or lunch or even a “whodunnit evening of fun,” as hosted on the Henrietta III. Cape Fear Riverboats offers a Murder Mystery Cruise every Tuesday at the foot of Dock Street. From 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., the cruise comes with dinner and a show where the audience becomes part of the problem-solving mystery. Cost is $47.50 for adults. The Henrietta III also hosts narrated sight-seeing cruises for $17.

Another popular cruise hosted by Cape Fear Riverboats is the Black River Nature cruise. The four-hour tour takes participants to the peaceful Black River and provides them with comprehensive knowledge of nature in the area. Folks can join in every other Wednesday through July; boarding begins at 9:30 a.m. and the cruise lasts from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Tickets are $59. For more additional information go to www.cfrboats.com.

Wilmington Water Tours host a History and Mystery Beneath the Cape Fear River Tour, which takes off from the Cape Fear River Walkway every Thursday at 10 a.m. The tour focuses on shipwrecks, what lies beneath the water and the history surrounding it. Tickets are $30 for adults. Starlight cruises run $15 at 9:30 p.m. and allow passengers to see Wilmington’s historic Riverwalk at night, gaze at the stars, and even get a glimpse of the site shown in “Iron Man 3,” which was partly filmed in Wilmington. Cruises board at Water Street between Orange and Ann streets. For more information visit www.wilmingtonwatertours.net.

For a bit of a different view, Wrightsville Beach Scenic Tours offers a variety of eco-tours, including a shelling tour of Masonboro Island, which takes participants to the unspoiled beaches in search of shells. They also do a Mansonboro Birding Tour, so passengers learn about the nature in the area and see some native birds. The company hosts party tours, like sunset and moonlight tours, and tours specially designed for kids, like the Pirate Island Treasure Hunt. To book a seat on any, visit www.wrightsvillebeachscenictours.com.

KITEBOARDING
Similar to wake boarding, kiteboarding refrains from boat power; instead, Mother Nature and a kite do all the work. There are a variety of places for the kidteboarding novice to get his feet wet, so to speak. Oydesea Surf and Kiteboard School in Carolina Beach helps kiteboarders of all levels perfect their skills. They offer two or three-hour lessons for only $110 to $360 (www.odyseasurf.com).

Scratch Kiteboarding in Wilmington also offers lessons so folks learn wind speeds, tides, currents, and more to master the sport. Lessons range from $99 for beginners to $450 for private, one-on-one sessions.

Yuichi Murakami is one of the pros in charge of Scratch and has taught for years. “Kiteboarding brings people of all types and ages together with the common love of the sport,” Murakami says. “You will recognize a kiter by the big smile on their face.”
Murakami has seen pods of dolphins, sea turtles, and even the occasional shark while kiteboarding. “There’s no better feeling than a gigantic kite pulling you across the ocean and all you can hear is the board skimming the water,” he says.

For more information and to set up an appointment, visit www.scratchkiteboarding.com.

KAYAKING
Kayaking is a great way for people of all ages to enjoy the coast and view Wilmington and surrounding areas in new ways. Coming up on June 20th, Halyburton Park is offering an all-day kayak tour of Moores Creek. The 5-mile excursion will appeal to history buffs as it will provide a unique view of the Moores Creek National Battefield. Folks will hear a detailed account of the revolutionary battle that lead to Cornwallis’ withdrawal from North Carolina. This adventure is perfect for kayakers of all skill levels.

Halyburton will also offer a 4.5-mile adventure to Fort Fisher and Zeke’s Island Kayak Adventure on July 15th. Plus, they’ll do a Cape Fear River Sunset trip to Kegg Island on August 16th. Both Zeke’s Island and Kegg Island adventures are $45, and include the tour and a kayak. Folks who provide their own kayak will be charged $30.

For more information on any of these kayak tours, www.wilmingtonnc.gov/community_services/recreation/halyburton_park/kayaking_programs.

North Carolina Eco Odysseys also offers some exciting tours this summer. On June 22nd, folks will paddle to Eagles Island and experience the beauty of its 3,100 acres. The tour will leave from Dram Tree Park at 2 p.m. and then return to the park for food and fun. The cost is $70 and includes food, drinks, tour and kayak.

For the more enthusiastic kayakers, NC Eco Odysseys’ All-American Black River Paddle and Campout will be held July 6th. This tour, which puts out from Ivanhoe Wildlife Ramp, in Ivanhoe, NC, will take participants down the Black River. They’ll camp, eat and drink for a mere $75. For more information on either of the NC Eco Odyessy tours, go to www.ncecoodysseys.com.

HIKING TRAILS
The Wilmington area offers a variety of hiking trails with a little something for everyone. One special tour takes place at the historic Poplar Grove Plantation, just north of Wilmington. The hike is a guided-trail tour through Abbey Nature Preserve, located next to the plantation. Home to unique plants and animal species, the trail comprises various wetlands, hard wood groves, a pine thicket and more. The cost for a guided 50-minute hike is $5 for adults or $8 for a 2-hour hike. The tours do offer student rates. Folks can walk the trails solo for free. For additional information call 910-686-9518 or go online at www.poplargrove.com.

For another chance to see local flora and fauna, the Carolina Beach State Park hosts the Carnivorous Plant Hike every Saturday and Sunday through October. The free-of-charge tour takes hikers down the Venus Flytrap trail, as park rangers will enlighten participants about the innerworkings of carnivorous plants that are native to this area. Recently, there have been thefts of the rare Venus Flytrap at other locations around the city; park rangers assure that security at the park is sufficient. For more information on the hikes, visit www.ncparks.gov/Education/events.php.

The Ev-Henwood Nature Preserve, just 10 miles south of Wilmington, offers the chance for hikers to learn independently about the native plant life surrounding them. Two different self-guided tours, complete with plant identification and learning stations, are free of charge and open to the public; dogs are not welcome on the premises. For directions and background, visit www.uncw.edu/physicalplant/arboretum/ev-henwood/index.htm.

Bald Head Island also offers a rare glimpse of the native plant and animal life. Nature hikes are offered most Tuesdays and Thursdays through August from 8:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. The nature hikes through The North Carolina Coastal Reserve and National Estuarine Research Reserve take hikers through a variety of habitats and offer a unique chance to swim as a part of the hike as well. Nature hikes are free and open to all. For more information visit www.nccoastalreserve.net.

EDUCATIONAL ACTIVITIES
The North Carolina Coastal Reserve and National Estuarine Research Reserve will offer special educational sessions every Wednesday morning from 9 a.m. to 10 a.m. and then again from 10:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. These family-oriented sessions include hands-on activities, hikes, and lessons about the natural ecosystems of the area. Kids love the fun crafts and games while learning more about the nature surrounding them. Each week a different lesson is offered, and kids can learn how to clean up the oceans from debris and what pollution does to the environment, as well as the differences, similarities and characteristics of invertebrates. All classes meet at the south end of Wrightsville Beach (Public Access 44), are free of charge and open to the public; participants must register online first. For a full schedule of classes, visit www.nccoastalreserve.net.

Looking up at the night sky, it is easy to remember how small we are in the scheme of things. On Wednesday, July 31st, 8 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., Halyburton Park’s Summer Nature Series provides a Planetarium and Stargazing session in the park. It will offer participants the chance to go inside the Starlab planetarium, investigate the earth, moon and stars, and experience a guided laser tour of the constellations. The cost is $5 per person and pre-registration is required, www.halyburtonpark.com

The Bald Head Island Conservancy offers a myriad of summer programs for people of all ages. Some of their family adventure programs include “Bald Head After Dark,” which provides participants with a unique look at the island wildlife at night; “CSI: BHI Beachcombing Edition,” which involves participants in an investigation of the beach while teaching them how to use tools of the trade; and “Reptile Roundup,” which allows participants to get up close and personal with reptiles while learning about their habits and habitats.

One of the programs the conservancy is particularly proud of is their Sea Turtle Protection Program. They offer Turtle Walks (members only), movie screenings (Tuesdays/Saturdays only, 1 p.m. to 3 p.m.), and Turtle Patrol Ride-Alongs (through August, 9 p.m. to midnight).

Prices and times for all of these programs and more can be found at www.bhic.org/family-adventure-programs.

SURFING
One of the biggest draws of the NC coast is the surf. Lucky for us, we have a plethora of surf schools in the area willing and able to teach us all to be the next moondoggie.

Kowabunga Surf School provides lessons at Wrightsville Beach for all levels. Private lessons are $110 and must be a minimum of two hours; group lessons also go for two hours and run at a rate of $90 per person (www.kowabungasurfschool.com).

Wrightsville Beach Surf Camp takes surfers to different locations around the area, including Oak Island, Carolina Beach, Kure Beach and Figure Eight Island. Private lessons run $70 an hour and go for a two-hour minimum. If going alone is a little intimidating, WB Surf Camp also offers two-person private lessons for $95 per person (www.wbsurfcamp.com).

Crystal South Surf Camp offers lessons at a variety of locations as well—and family lessons for any size. Private lessons range from $80 and $65 for a group lesson.

Indo Jax Surf School offers surf lessons and gives back to the community at the same time (see encore, 6/12 for the full story, “Dodging for Kids”). Lessons from trained professionals are $60 for an hour and $100 for two hours. Private lessons and other fundraisers help fund the school’s programs to help disadvantaged, special needs, or medically fragile children experience the joy of the ocean (www.indojaxsurfschool.com).

The owners of Crystal South and Indo Jax, Jo Pickett and Jack Viorel, have combined their skills and passion for surfing to bring back the Wahine Classic on August 17th and 18th at the south end of Wrightsville Beach. Open to women surfers of all levels and ages, the classic will kick off with a banquet.

A local favorite, the competition took place every summer since 1997, until last year when a major sponsor pulled. “Jack and I are bringing [it] back because the girls that we teach and surf with have expressed their collective opinions,” Pickett says. “For our competitive surfer girls, a Wahine title carries prestige and generates publicity for them.”

For more information or to become a sponsor, visit www.crystalsouthsurfcamp.com/wrightsville-beach-wahine-classic.cfm.

FRESH PRINCE HE AIN’T: Jaden Smith as Kitai struggles in ‘After Earth.’ Courtesy photo

After Earth

Starring Will Smith, Jaden Smith,
Sophie Okonedo, Zoë Kravitz

Sometimes hyperbole can work in reverse. Many summer movies are over-hyped to the point of ludicrousness. Expectations get set so high that disappointment is almost a foregone conclusion. “After Earth,” the new film from director M. Night Shyamalan, has been called “a disaster,” “one of the worst films ever made” and “a thinly veiled Scientology primer.” The critics were lining up, knives out, all too eager to take wild swings at a movie star who has lost a little luster and a director who has seen better days. After hearing a week’s worth of venom being spewed at “After Earth,” I decided to buy a ticket and see if this really was the flaming fuselage so many critics had made it out to be.

The truth is: “After Earth” is not the worst film ever made. Nor is it anywhere close to the best. It’s an imperfect science-fiction action film with some uneven acting that is being unfairly razed by a media all-too eager to pour gasoline on something and burn it to the ground. I understand the impulse. Believe me, I do. As a film writer, I cherish those movies that are so terrible that I can write 1,000 mean-spirited words, reducing it to ash and soot. They are the easiest reviews to write.

Nitpicking a film to death is hardly the sport of kings. Believe or not, those who read these reviews contribute to this phenomenon. No matter how many good reviews I write, most readers only remember the ones which tear a movie a new asshole. In order to generate traffic, some critics ratchet up the rage and end up only able to paint with anger or adulation. “After Earth” is a movie deserving of neither.

The film follows the father-son tandem of Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son Katai (real-life son Jaden Smith). A thousand years ago, humans abandoned Earth and made it uninhabitable. Our entire species took a rocketship to another planet where a war broke out with some aliens who smelled fear (don’t ask). The only way to survive is to learn to control fear.

Kitai struggles with this concept. He wants to impress his father, a war hero revered by all who serve with him, but he lacks discipline. The estranged father and son end up on a doomed intergalactic voyage. Their ship crash-lands on Earth. Cypher is critically injured. Unless Kitai can locate a signal beacon, they both will die. Though it’s not exactly Chaucer, it’s an interesting science-fiction set-up. Earth is now a nature-ravaged death trap, with rapidly changing temperatures and wild animals that don’t take kindly to outsiders. Kitai has to try to survive these horrible conditions and get to the beacon before his father dies.

The world of “After Earth” is a nicely rendered landscape. It feels brutal and unforgiving, providing a great backdrop for a science-fiction survival film. The pacing is a little plodding. The film rushes to set up this new-world order. We’re introduced to the idea that we ruined Earth, abandoned it, and ended up in a conflict with fear-smelling aliens in about 4 minutes.

Shyamalan skims past the cool stuff to rush into the family melodrama. The film navigates rather clumsily in the opening. Once they establish the plot and the ship crash-lands, the film gets more interesting. It’s really straightforward. There’s not a lot of nuance to “After Earth.” For once, I think it works in the films’ favor.

What ends up making “After Earth” less than satisfying are the moments when Jaden Smith tries to “act.” He’s serviceable most of the time and believable in the action scenes. But Will’s kid lacks swagger. There are scenes where he’s yelling and trying to feign emotion that come across like nails on a chalkboard. Such painful moments make it very clear this kid is no Fresh Prince. And it feels almost ironic that a movie about a kid trying to prove himself worthy to his father features a kid who proves himself unworthy of his real father.

Had they cast a more charismatic lead, “After Earth” could have been something better than average. But a well-intentioned failure is hardly cause for burning the thing in effigy. It feels weird expending so much energy defending something that is ultimately average. The line has to be drawn; every film can’t be reduced to a masterpiece or a piece of shit. There are areas in between. And even if everybody else abandons the concept of average, I still believe it exists.

MOTOR’S RUNNING: Motorist, comprising (left to right) Jay Smith, Grant Meadows, Eric Swaim, and Jon Tuttle, will play Satellite this Saturday. Courtesy photo

Motorist
Sat., June 22nd • 9 p.m.
Satellite Bar and Lounge
120 Greenfield St.
Free • www.motoristnc.com

Grungy riffs, dissonance, and thrashing drums blend seamlessly in the Winston-Salem band Motorist, as the members combine their roots of well-known regional acts to create a new brand of hardcore rock.

The group has experience touring with Coheed and Cambria, Anberlin, and Boysetsfire. Motorist’s lead singer and bassist, Eric Swaim, sang in the dance/indie-pop act Love Craft, while guitarist Jon Tuttle used to play bass for the celebrated melodic hardcore act Codeseven. Jay Smith, guitarist and backup vocalist, and Grant Meadows, drummer, were members of the punk group Naked Angels. According to Swaim, Winston-Salem has always had a strong hold on local talent.

“Growing up in Winston’s punk/hardcore scene did a lot to shape us as artists, and a lot of our influences were found in the local and touring bands that played there,” the frontman describes. “The scene has in recent years covered a lot of ground with tons of great bands and events like Phuzz Phest [an independent music festival].”

Smith and Grant are long-time friends, having performed in several bands together. “After playing a Naked Angels reunion show in June 2012, they discussed starting something new,” Swaim explains. “Jon, after years of playing bass with Codeseven, was eager to lend his six-string capabilities to a new project, so he joined them on guitar.”

Swaim originally joined for his vocal proclivity, but he took on bass for Motorist as well. “It’s the first band I’ve played bass in, but after seven years with my long-time project Love Craft, I wanted to do something different. The juxtaposition of Jay and Grant playing the instruments that they have mastered over the years, with Jon and myself exploring newer territory, provides us with an exciting approach to songwriting and performing.”

Indeed, upon forming just last year, Motorist quickly hit the recording studio. Their debut full-length release, “Days of Young,” reached fans April 30th, 2013. Recorded in Greensboro and mastered in Winston-Salem, it’s a true chunk of North Carolina post-punk rock.

“It did all happen very quickly,” Swaim concedes. “I think a lot of that is due to the fact that we do vibe very well together. It’s refreshing to be working with a group that is able and confident but doesn’t have the long history of playing together that can sometimes allow tension to disrupt the creative process. We all seem to be on the same page, and what we contribute to the project tends to be positive and inspiring for all of us.”

On “Days of Young,” the riffs can be simultaneously grungy and immaculate. What stands out the most are Tuttle and Smith’s abilities to utilize many different riffs throughout the album—even in one song alone—keeping the sound  active and charismatic. It provides each track its own recognizable sound yet keeps listeners guessing. It’s an effort that surely challenges each band member and the listener to question the boundaries of hard rock.

“I think you can hear a lot of influence from our previous bands while also getting something very new,” Swaim assures. “We all grew up listening to similar music and then branched out as we got older. Coming back full circle with a new spin on things has been extremely rewarding. I think Motorist is significantly different from our past projects because it’s Motorist, and it can only be Motorist. It’s what we do.”

Within the first three seconds of “Free With Your Blessing,” I was intrigued. The vocal melody gets more experimental from the previous three tracks on “Days of Young,” while the intro riff and hook are extremely sharp.

The intro to “The Heart that Breaks Me” is reminiscent of Blink 182 circa 2003, until the vocal harmonies chime in and take the song in the direction of a Gregorian chant (with rock accompaniment, of course).Then the sound breaks into a mix of Chevelle and Metallica, while guitars give off the vibe of Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir.”

“Public Address” opens with quick, ripping drums and a high-pitched riff, and it’s a welcome change. Twenty seconds in, Swaim sexually growls out lyrics. By the time the band is singing “Eyes wide open, blood-filled oceans,” it’s evolved into a commanding choral effect. The combo alternates until hitting the bridge—the difference of which makes for a compelling and electric section.

Ending the album with “Kings of Our Own Time,” lullaby-like vocals and romantic yet rough instruments make for the perfect close. I hope Motorist plays it at every show.

“Days of Young” is an amalgamation of influences—ranging from Quicksand, Jawbox, Fugazi and Sunny Day Real Estate to The Church, Nirvana, Sabbath and Slayer—forming original compositions that are all Motorist. The songs can go in any direction Motorist pleases, and the audience will never know what to expect. “Like most true music geeks,” Swaim quips, “we like anything that moves us.”

“We are always working on new material,” the vocalist tells. “We plan on playing most of the summer and fall in support of ‘Days of Young,’ but I imagine a second album will be manifesting through the next year. I’m personally excited about playing Wilmington this weekend—I lived in Wilmington for a few years in the early 2000s and it’s always nice to return. We have plans to play throughout NC and the surrounding region, but we would love to play anywhere. I hear we’re big in Slovenia!”

WAlKING THE DOGS: Elizabeth Darrow’s new pop-up show will take place June 21st and 22nd at 1922 Castle Street, featuring new works in oils and oii pastels. Courtesy photo

Elizabeth Darrow Pop-Up Show
June 21, 6 p.m. – 10 p.m.
June 22, noon – 6 p.m.
1922 Castle Street
www.elizabethdarrowart.com

F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, “I hope you live a life you are proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Literally, this translates to finding the courage to change your entire existence, but often this can be as simple as changing one element. At times, everyone, undeniably, has wanted to reverse a decision because they felt stuck or unsatisfied with some aspect.

Continually able to visually represent feelings, ideas or sentiments, artists throughout history have often completely altered their style. Reflecting a new societal, historical or communal attitude, artists from the Middle Ages until today have been able to virtually fulfill the sentiment Fitzgerald bestowed upon his contemporaries and generations to follow.

After his “Blue Period,” Picasso transitioned into full Cubist abstraction. John Baldessari, who, unsatisfied with his early work, burned it all, acquired a death certificate for his deceased artistic stage and began a new phase of his artistic life.

Local artist Elizabeth Darrow had been experiencing a similar, stirring, frustration with her own work. After working for years as a figurative artist, she “thought it would be more mature to transition to more abstract work.” She began to look through slides and canvases of her older work and found more content in her figurative subject matter. With black paint in hand, Darrow was able to not only recycle materials, but physically and visually begin anew.

“The beauty of oil paint is that you can paint right over something and start all over again,” Darrow says. “All of these canvases in the show were other paintings before they became what they are now. I just decided to paint over [them] and return to a former way of working where figures of people and animals dominated the canvas. Once I made that decision, the work just flowed. The medium that works best for me is to use oil pastel in conjunction with oil paint, so I’m essentially drawing with crayons on top of already applied paint.”

A resident of Wilmington since 1977, Darrow has exhibited in a plethora of local and regional art venues. Without a scheduled show set until September in Washington, NC, Darrow’s upcoming pop-up art show is happening thanks to her friend, Brian Keever. Captivated by her rediscovery and reinvented style, he offered her a newly renovated space on Castle Street. Fated to be the home of Keever’s architecture studio, he felt his long-time friend should exhibit in the space. So they organized the pop-up show.

“I’ve been working as an artist for a long time—all my adult life,” Darrow says, “and I’ve gone through many phases, trying different media to get varied results. But this large, colorful, figurative work resonates with me the most. I think it’s because so many factors come into play that evoke humor, angst, irony and naiveté. It’s engaging work and fun to do.”

Taking on a new painting, Darrow often starts with the eyes—“the windows to the sou. She then adds the faces, bodies, etc., and lets it magically evolve.

“I don’t really begin with a preconceived  idea of what the canvas will be,” she says, “but I do know there will be a figure of some kind. . . . [I]n making the body, some action is implied and the piece just grows into itself. It unfolds bit by bit. I love playing with color and adding more elements to the piece so that everything balances out. It’s a wonderfully exciting process.”

Her work is both whimsical and captivating. Ranging in subject matter from “The Last Supper” to playful dogs, the eyes of each painting draw in viewers. Her use of pastels, exhibited on the surface of each oil painting, leave the work with a dimensionality and textural appearance that feels as if the figures are alive and full of movement.

Elizabeth’s Darrow’s pop-up show will be on display at 1922 Castle Street (a white building with an orange door). Hosted by Brian Keever Designs, the two-day show will open with a reception on Friday, June 21st, from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. and will continue on Saturday, June 22nd, from noon to 6 p.m. For more information, visit www.elizabethdarrowart.com.

One Up

6/21-23, 28-30
Fri.-Sat., 8 p.m.; Sun., 5 p.m.
Browncoat Pub and Theatre
111 Grace Street
$10-15 • www.browncoattheatre.com

Browncoat Theatre and Bad Trip Productions opened the world premiere of Ron Hasson’s play “One Up” last weekend. Inspired by the passing of Amendment One on the NC ballot last spring, the semi-autobiographical play explores the difficult world of love in unexpected places.

I must admit: I have had a personal interest in this script since last November when Hasson held a staged reading of the work-in-progress and included the final monologue in “Baring It,” an actor/writer showcase at the Browncoat. The difference in the script then and now is startling. Hasson really, truly did what playwrights are supposed to do: He listened to the actors speak, took notes, asked for critiques and revised to create a much more polished piece. Even though this is the first staging of the show, the script is past the workshop stage, which is not always the case with original works.

To begin with, the story primarily takes place in one day, has a good structure and is set in specific time. The prologue introduces us to two friends Orin (Tony Moore) and Frank (Brendan Carter) who are working on a screenplay about two girls killed on the Appalachian Trial. Orin has worked up the nerve to finally broach the subject of his feelings for Frank. As both they and the audience digest his pivotal step, at a nearby neighborhood bar one of Orin’s high school friends, Kyrie (Brit Garner), is waiting to meet him for a planning session about the rally against Amendment One. While Kyrie awaits Orin and her hairdresser, Carl (Eddie Waters), she is treated to the political opinions of the bartender (Phill Antonino) and his resident barfly, Suz (Andi Angel). Kyrie is a well-intentioned friend and idealistic young doctor who is deeply concerned about how the passing of the amendment could imapct her patients.

Wilmington audiences are most familiar with Garner because of her fabulous singing voice (“Little Shop of Horrors,” “Tommy”). She exudes frustration at every turn in this show. She is frustrated as a doctor that she can’t heal every hurt; she is frustrated that people are wasting time instead of taking the task in front of them seriously; and she is frustrated that everyone does not approach life with the respect and empathy that she does. It’s wearing her down. Medical school at least had a degree as a goal, but how do you measure success in a world like this?

Among her many works-in-progress is Carl, a very attractive young queen with a complicated series of relationship issues. Waters has no fear onstage. Past performances include lyric dance in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” and the experimental-theatre piece “PROM.” When he’s singing along with the music—like most drunk people in a bar—it is rehearsal for a drag act. In spite of a certain level of tragedy revealed about his character throughout the show, he has obviously grabbed life by the horns and is along for a great ride, come what may.

Speaking of singing along with the music—the soundtrack in “One Up” is phenomenal! It plays almost constantly from the pre-show music through the end of the first act. Pay attention to it, and not just for the obvious (but lovely) moments like “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” playing during Orin and Frank’s first scene.

Is it any surprise to see playwright Tony Moore cast as a writer? Moore is a very talented comedic actor, and indeed he has written several shows as vehicles for his comic talents. But the opportunities to see him in dramatic roles, like Orin, should not be missed. Equally so with the multi-talented Carter, who has a rockin’ singing voice and an infectious smile that, combined with a good joke, will provoke laughter every time. But give this sultry hunk a dramatic scene to play, and his intensity will rip your heart out. This isn’t a show just about Orin and his problems, it is equally so about Frank, who really does love Orin, but is married to a woman that he also loves and is not going to leave.

The star of this show is the complicated relationship between these two men. Both performers must show up mentally and emotionally to do the work, because neither can do this alone. It takes two very skilled performers to tap into these complex and intense emotions and then to play off each other for two hours. Moore’s Orin would be a meaningless parody if Carter’s Frank didn’t genuinely love him in return. Not to say that Frank isn’t tortured by this situation as well. That kiss didn’t come out of nowhere, but it’s not something he is prepared to act upon for the rest of his life, in all aspects of his life.

Therein lies the rub (and the long revelatory monologues in Act II). What ultimately makes this show work, aside from good writing, is the excellent casting choices and direction by Nick Smith. Smith found two really present and talented actors to tackle an exceedingly tricky relationship that has no happy resolution.

Maybe the ambiguity is what I like most about the show. Human emotions and experiences rarely fit into the perfect boxes we want for them. Ultimately, that is Hasosn’s message: People and love cannot be determined by other’s parameters. The production is good, solid work from the writing to the execution and I, for one, look forward to seeing more of Hasson’s works produced.

Two prized performances from ‘Measure for Measure’ come from Murphy Tanner (second from left) and Aimee Schooley (last).

Measure for Measure

Through 6/30, Thurs.-Sun., 8 p.m.
Greenfied Lake Amphitheater
Free! • capefearshakespeare.org

Folks call it one of Shakespeare’s “problem plays,” in that “Measure for Measure” straddles a fine line between drama and comedy. Cape Fear Shakespeare on the Green’s debut certainly had its own set of problems a week before opening, in that they endured a director switch from newcomer Nicole Farmer to Steve Vernon. While there isn’t an obvious disconnect in guidance, conviction soars in some performances, while lackluster creed prevails in others.

Philosophically engaging, contradiction after contradiction convolutes numerous character arcs and storylines in “Measure for Meaure”—something with which the Elizabethan language can make even more difficult to follow. Still, it offers a a fascinating parallel between 16th century governing in Vienna compared to 21st century governing in the States. When considering this play a hyperbolic morality tale about current politicians and their codes of conduct, it becomes eye-opening.

The story follows the ruling of Duke Vincentio (Craig Kittner), who leaves Vienna and appoints his cousin Angelo (Newlin Parker) to govern the citizens in his absence. Angelo, a power-thirsty and extreme iron fist, amends and alters the laws to the utmost stringency and to the dismay of the duke’s colleagues, Judge Escalus (Clare Kiley) and provost (David Bollinger). Seventeenth century Vienna is held to a moral high-ground, which includes no fornication unless married. Upon finding Claudio (Joshua Bailey) in breech of this rule, from getting his girlfriend, Juliet (Liz Bernardo), pregnant, Claudio is sentenced to death, as Angelo portends to make an example of him to the people who doubt the power in charge.

When Claudio’s sister, Isabella (Susan Auten), a novice nun, finds out about the sentencing, she pleas and prays with Angelo to relent such harsh judgement. Angelo only agrees if the nun bequeths her virgin body to him. Meanwhile, Duke Vincentio is hiding out as a friar, meandering the city and interacting with the citizens to spy on their codes of honor during his absence. He also wants to see how Angelo is dictating his power. It all manifests with the charade unfolding and the ne’er-do-wells being punished according to Vincentio’s judgement by way of Matthew 7:2 from St. James’ Bible: “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

While the key players in the show hold the plot’s forward motion most sacredly in their hands, it’s the rigidity of Susan Auten’s nun, Isabella, that succeeds most. Auten has a natural seriousness in her acting which completely unfolds most assuredly in this character. Holding her chastity more important than her brother’s life, the stoney desparation in her face during her pleas and the just, forthright contention she emotes while being threatened are shining moments of her esteemed acting. As the nun, she only wavers in her ethics during a trick bed scene, which allows Angelo to be played for a fool in the end. Auten is a perfect fit for a Shakespearean character, from her look down to her delivery; she has the voice and confidence which isn’t blindsided by complex dialogue.

Newlin Parker’s Angelo, dapper as he may be, seems rather impish as a ruler at the onset. Even in his decree to behead Claudio, it doesn’t seem like he’s unreasonable; just going about his day by the book of the law, exacting punishment much like checking a box for his age on a survey. In the end, this can be scarier than the man who wears the browbeater persona on his sleeve. Parker’s contradictive monologues don’t come across as powerfully contempt in his personal struggle toward enacting the sexual desires for which he’s ruling against. That makes for a major downfall of character relatability; words are just words unless empathy is backing them. Yet, Parker shows how far Angelo’s venom shoots when he grabs the nun aggressively, and spats threats and harrassments. His gritted teeth and red-faced anger showcases evil we knew lurked within.

Craig Kittner as Vincentio and the friar play his roles evenly keel. Kittner isn’t impassioned; he’s more like watching a mediator or narrator unfold the story for the audience very mechanically, with reserve and no attachment. Kittner does have a natural ease which serves well to prove he’s a fair governer. When he exacts his final punishment to those who proved themselves the most beastly burdens—“more lenity to lechery, severity will cure it”—the finality of it all ultimately remains less hostile.

Clare Kiley as Escalus makes it clear a judge need not be a man in Shakespearean times. She exacts justice without emotional remorse and reveals a cold face but a more “measured” outlook than her counterparts. Joshua Bailey’s Claudio never dramatizes fully the dire straits he’s in, while Liz Bernardo as his lover showcases a dour face but without underlying pining grief a partner would endure to find her lover on death row.

The brothel of ladies secure a few amusing moments. Their exaggerated facial expressions and enlivened actions are entertaining. Aimee Schooley as the madame, Mistress Overdone, is a bawdy hoot, while the most uplifting secondary character of this play comes in Rick Forrester’s Pompey. He’s a goofy citizen who literally acts like one of The Three Stooges (for whom Nicole Farmer used to inspire her actors), down to the back-tap skip. Everything about his performance mandates a standing ovation. I adore Forrester’s commanding verbosity, jester-like stances and physical comedy. He has such charisma and chemistry with everyone whom he contacts. He, along with Murphy Turner’s Lucio, provides most laughs throughout the play.

Speaking of Turner: Where has he been hiding? What a performance this firecracker gives! He is the town trouble maker and nails every comedic output, from pacing to delivery. He also brings home the sexual innuendos which are the undercurrent of “Measure for Measure.”

In fact, though Shakespeare on the Green is a family affair, in which children are welcomed, I am glad the dialect hides a lot of comprehension for youngsters. I took my 10-year-old stepson who admitted to not fully grasping the show. When I explained the gist, it did open up some sex talk. So, parents who aren’t ready to broach the subject should leave the kids at home. Other than lascivious hand gestures and a few crude euphemisms (“groping for trout in a peculiar river”), the sexuality remains at a teen’s level of understanding at best.

The music, consisting of classical takes on modern songs by The Black Keys, Gwen Stefani and Oasis, provides a nice touch. The set is minimal, with a few slides curated by Shane Fernando. It would have been nice if the imagery overwhelmed the whole backdrop. The choice to pare down the set is smart, as the show is bogged down by layers of dialogue, storylines and shenanigans, which can be overwhelming. Keeping its focus on the actors works, but only if everyone is giving 100 percent. For a show about sex, power, lust, temptation and vices, the content is ripe for exaggeration, which it has comically, but could use more of dogmatically from a few key players.

And I liked the comic statesman’s radio advertisement for one of his businesses. Whether the market goes up or down, our comic statesman intends to make me money. No doubt, when our General Assembly repeals the law of gravity as “junk science; another leftist theory” (it’s not in the Bible or Constitution), he’ll profit. That’s morality you can bank on. It’s morality that confuses the Moral Monday crowd, but the morality of the hawk often confuses the dove.

Satire seems best employed when the writer is intelligent, articulate, witty, and not sitting in the NC House, watching “Space Jam” on a gadget, looking for excuses to send dissidents to Moron Mountain. And what can one say about the level of statesmanship evidenced in blasting half your constituency as morons one day, and then implying all the public are idiots for not recognizing the subtlety of your satire the next?

A lot of his readers might not recognize satire because they went to public schools in North Carolina. Funding cuts are as routine here as efforts to tear down or shoot holes in the wall between church and state.

I recently took my mom to see “The Great Gatsby.” When Gatsby died, one of a trio of college-age women welled up with tears: “I wouldn’t have come with y’all if I knew Leonardo was goin’ to di-ya’ at the end! It’s worse than ‘Titanic’!”

Her friend said, “How could you not know? Of course Gatsby dies! It’s ‘The Great Gatsby’! It was required reading.”

The teary-eyed woman regrouped, “Well, I went to public school in North Carolina. Reading ain’t really required.”

I held back my tears. I’m proud to say my son recently graduated New Hanover High and he knew Gatsby dies at the end. The moviegoer’s sad comment betrays efforts of teachers, parents and students, but may accurately reflect the political zeitgeist of the state. Our politicians of all stripes seem to be just joking about education.

It’s no surprise the governor considers the action a waste of resources motivated by outside agitators, or that our comic statesman considers the civil disobedience a joke. The “outside agitator” has been blamed for abolition, women’s suffrage, worker’s rights, civil rights, anti-war protests, etc. And the ruling party is typically more comfortable with corporate malfeasance than civil disobedience.

Thoreau refused to pay taxes on moral grounds and was willing to face the consequences. Large corporations bend or break mere government laws on their own moral grounds. (The color of money is its own morality; the market, a law unto itself.) Unlike Thoreau and Moral Monday activists, corporations hire lobbyists up front and lawyers to cover their backs.

But the response of many of the loyal opposition suggests we’re all more comfortable with corporate malfeasance than civil disobedience. It is business as usual when corporations stay in the shadows and act to further their interests. When citizens unite in the sunlight to advocate, as in Moral Monday or the ongoing Occupy Movement, their legitimacy and sanity are instantly questioned.
I read posts in which left-leaning writers basically agree with the state rep and the governor about grandstanding and waste of resources. They urge activists to show more humility and contrition should they dare dissent. Basically, they argue that since the disorganized left ceded power, we should all contritely play “Follow the Leader” until the next election.

Contrition? It is “loyal opposition” and not “loyal to the opposition.” Isn’t it?

Civil disobedience and the voices of dissent are faces of democracy. Faces we need more of, not less, regardless of who is in “power.” The Moral Monday movement is an opportunity to build coalitions of loyal opposition, engage in non-violent civil disobedience, and vigorously oppose destructive policies without attacking well-intentioned politicians personally.

Yes, I think politicians from both parties are mostly well-intentioned. That said, you probably won’t see me at Nutt Street Comedy Room for the debut of “The Comic Representative.”

FROM IRELAND TO ILM: Fiona O’ Sullivan dishes about her life in Wilmington as compared to life in Dublin. Courtesy photo.

Monday mornings are a common enemy to the general public. I used to be one bright ray of sunshine at the beginning of each workweek (note the sarcasm). I worked in retail before coming to Wilmington, and as soon as the shops opened their doors on Mondays, a grumpy customer would be demanding a refund. Never would I have time to say hi to my fellow co-workers until later in the day when things calmed down.

Since coming to encore it has been a nice change of pace. My colleagues talk a bit about their weekend before they “knuckle down.”
Just last week, my coworker told me about the sharks and giant turtles she saw at sea the weekend before; I wonder if she could see the envy on my face. Every time I come to the States, I see lots of wildlife, from bears to bison and alligators to whales. The wildest thing I’ve seen back in Ireland is a fox in my garden. They’re quite common in Dublin.

I am grateful I haven’t seen too many snakes here so far (though, I hear they’re common). One of the myths about St. Patrick is that he drove all the snakes out of Ireland (too bad he forgot the politicians!); ironically, there are no snakes in Ireland. When I was 10-years-old, my family and I were visiting friends in Arizona and my brother, 6 at the time, told me he saw a dead scorpion in the grass. Thinking this was pretty cool and safe (it was dead), we looked through the grass to find it. I stared down around my feet and noticed something moving; the snake slithered past me. The next thing I knew, I was making a run into the house, barely slowing down to open the door, screaming along the way, “I just saw a snake!!” I was so disappointed that my friends, who were obviously used to this sort of thing, calmly informed me it was probably just a garter snake and nothing to worry about. Ever since, I’ve been petrified of snakes, and so far I’ve been fortunate not to have other close encounters.

Unfortunately, that luck hasn’t continued with other creatures, especially when it comes to giant bugs. Ireland is practically bug-free compared to the southern U.S. Last weekend I was at a family gathering in Greensboro, and things were going well. Relieved I hadn’t spotted any bizarre looking bugs, I soon realized my peace of mind was short-lived. As I stepped outside, suddenly out of nowhere, I found myself looking at a giant beetle flying straight toward my face. My immediate reaction: run. Too bad for my cousin, walking ahead of me, I hurried past her to close the door shut before the bug attacked. It may seem a bit mean, considering she’s only 13, but when it comes to bugs that big, it’s everyone on her own! Needless to say she was not impressed when she realized what was happening—or the fact I wouldn’t open the door until I was 100 percent sure the bug disappeared.

Everyone else found it quite amusing: my panic attack. They all said, “Chill out; it’s only a beetle!”

Sorry, but the only beetles I have ever seen are the size of a thumbnail. They don’t look like tennis balls!

As one may suspect, I also fear spiders. I hate the way they look—they have so many legs! However, I had no idea what fear was before I saw a “wolf-hunting spider” sneak past me when I was walking into my aunt and uncle’s house. The biggest ones in Ireland that I’ve seen measure about two inches. The wolf-hunting spider easily came in near five inches. My view is: If it looks like it won’t fit in a glass jar to throw back outside, just run—which is exactly what I did. But worse than seeing a spider in a room is losing a spider in a room.

I’m sure in time I will adjust to life here—the weather, the way people talk and maybe even cooking. But I will not adjust to the bugs any time soon.

But, fellow North Carolinians, it is time we ask our selves some tough questions—because we obviously have not done that enough in the last few years. While here in New Hanover County we fight about the possible 50 to 160 jobs that Titan might or might not be able to bring to the area, we, as a state, are shooting ourselves in the feet.

Business recruitment is a lot like courtship: stages include initial contact, interest, flirtation, first long weekend together and, if things go well, meeting the family. Now, it has been a good decade since I was single, but I do remember there being a certain amount of marketing involved—or as my mother would call it, “putting your best foot forward.” We send each other signals about who we are and what we would be like to live with, trying to find a person who sends out similar enough signals that a compromise can be reached for whatever desired length of time.

As a state we are not making ourselves look attractive for business to anyone right now, except for maybe Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, who might be looking for a new home soon. To begin with, we actually passed an amendment to the state constitution defining marriage. Now, if NC were hanging out at a bar on a Friday night, trying to meet an eligible young woman, the thing to do would be to try to buy her a drink before swinging opinions about marriage at all—let alone between two people who aren’t even involved in the conversation.

So, NC, “The ‘M’ Word” should not be addressed until enduring a couple of dates, maybe more. Start off with as many options as possible, because who knows what her opinions about this might be—or who her parents, siblings or best friends are. It’s better to get a chance to know her first instead of shutting down the conversation before it starts.
NC, I have to level with you: You are walking into this with a lot of baggage. Granted, the right girl will be able to see past it and give you the benefit of the doubt. She will be willing to get to know you (hey, that accent is sexy), even though all her friends tell her you are a racist, bigoted redneck. The right girl can still say, “Well, he has a good heart; he’s just misunderstood.”

As the evening wears on and you are trying to get her number, what are you going to do when one of your buddies wanders up and hands you a petition to sign which reduces funding for education? Wait a minute! she may be thinking. That’s how he treats his own kids?

“Oh, no! My kids would go to private school,” you say.

Oh. Oh.

Now, see it in her face? The girl of your dreams brings 2,000 jobs with her, which means lots of kids to put in schools. Mmmm, she’s thinking. This is going to be a tough sell for company morale.

NC, you are so not taking this girl home tonight, and you probably won’t be getting her number. And, so, you think of something fast; you tell her about how you are a right-to-work state. Thus, she won’t have to worry about her 2,000 employees unionizing and making unreasonable demands. Yep, you got her with that one; she likes that big, strong, problem-solving protector act.

Things seem to be going smoothly thereafter—until the bartender walks over to see if you need refills. Just when she starts to respond, you advise her against another drink and discourage a refill of her water. You shake your headin warning.

“Why?’ she asks.

In an effort to be a problem-solver, you explain to her that the water in NC is really not a good idea to drink anymore since there’s this cancer thing that’s been going on at Camp Lejeun forever. You explain that as you are getting ready to allow fracking…

The look of horror on her face stops you dead in your tracks.

You change the subject and mention all the cool movie stars that hang out with you because of the film industry incentives bringing work—paying jobs—to the area. Yep, as a matter of fact, you are buds with Susan Sarandon, Robert Downey Jr. and Gwenyth Paltrow. She frowns and gives you a sideways glance.

“But, NC,” she pouts. “I heard you were trying to get rid of your film industry—that you didn’t like it anymore?’

“Now where did you here anything that ridiculous?” you chuckle.

“I thought you were doing away with the incentive program, which is why I was kind of surprised you were courting any business at all,” she notes. “I mean my call center doesn’t create tourism or employ highly skilled workers who already live with you…”

Then—then it happens! Just when it couldn’t get worse, in the middle of her sentence, your fraternity buddy, Thom, who is now one of your legislators, crashes into you, spilling drinks all over her.

“Morons!” the overgrown bully screams. “Loony Toons! Hippies!” He picks up the bar stool next to you and throws it into the crowd. You lose sight of the girl during the bar fight, and when the dust settles later, she’s gone—with her 2,000 jobs.